Relationship Problems

The average time couples wait to seek counseling while they wrestle with their problems is six years.  By then, it can be too late for counseling to save the relationship and sometimes too late to facilitate a peaceful ending of the relationship.  For this reason, marriage or couples counseling can have a somewhat low success rate.  I do not believe divorce is the answer for most couples. 

It is important to sit down and asses your relationship every year just as you would asses your investments.  Honestly, look at how you feel in the relationship, is there mutual respect, etc. and make plans to do things that will keep the passion, love, and respect alive.  When this is done and it looks like you may need some help, a few sessions with a counselor can be very beneficial and a very worthwhile investment that will be sure to yield very high returns.

Communications is often presented as the magic cure for relationship problems. While communication is important it is not a magic cure. One of the most important questions I ask each member of a relationship is, "Given what you know about your spouse/partner at this time, would you ask them out or accept an invitation for a date?" If the answer is no or I am not sure, most of the time the fires of passion have burned out and mutual respect does not exist.  Both have adopted patterns of blaming the other.  When blaming exists, it is not unusual for resentment and reduced self-esteem issues to be present in the relationship.

Another important question I ask is, "Are you working to stay in the relationship or get out of the relationship?" Many times one answers to stay and the other answers to get out. If you are considering counseling, these are two very important questions to answer for yourself and share with your counselor.

I hear many couples say, everything was fine until Mary or Johnny was born or started having problems.  Children do change the way in which we relate to each other as couples. In our culture, women are usually the primary care takers.  As a result the primary nurturing relationship that is established is between the mother and the child or children.  Most men do not know how to become part of the new relationship and feel left out.  On the other hand, women are often confused by the new behaviors exhibited by their husbands and interpret it as their husbands losing interest in them.  When children are added to the family it is important to make for the parents to make sure their relationship does not suffer.  It is essential to make sure that time is put on the busy schedule just for the mom and dad. If time is not put on the schedule, the relationship is always on the back burner and the fires of romance slowly burn out.